I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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