Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
