Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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