New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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