Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Randomize
