How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize