You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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