all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he quoted the bible to break up with me
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
how does that bad decision feel?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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