highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I need a burrito and a hug.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
