Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
