I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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