In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
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