Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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