It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
