if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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