Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
