Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
