I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
