So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
