Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize