He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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