I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
