update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
