it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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