Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
