im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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