Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize