Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
