apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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