I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
