i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
