so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
