If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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