Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
