my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize