I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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