Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
