I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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