So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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