your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize