his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize