i wish there were pregnant emoticons
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
