Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
