it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
