Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
