The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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