Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
