Jerry, you need to find god
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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