my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
