I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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