You're earring is so big in my mouth
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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