and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
God I need to hump something, right now.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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