getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
