Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize