My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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