hotel room ftw
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
