fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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